I wrote this post in August 2006 and thought it was time to resurect it.
Relationships are found in every area of our lives. Even when we don’t realize we’re having a relationship, one is being experienced.
We have relationships with our boss, co-workers, significant other, siblings, parents, committee members, neighbors, and more. We also have relationships with money, health and food.
Managing relationships well can be the difference between a company’s making a profit or posting a loss and a person’s ability to weather personal storm’s at home. It can also be the difference between having a healthy respect for money and food and having an unhealthy obsession with both.
I returned from a coaching workshop in Rhode Island a few months ago on the power of relationships. It was titled, “Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching”. In this class we developed our skills for successfully looking at our own relationships and we then learned techniques for helping others develop their own relationship capacities.
One of the most interesting concepts I heard this week was, “In order to get to a healthier and more productive place, we need to give up our fear of conflict, turmoil and resistance.” ~ John M. Gottman
Even as I write that, my hand wavers a little. The idea behind this audacious statement is that where there is conflict there is a desire and opportunity to reach a greater understanding between people in business and at home. That’s not how we usually view interactions that tear at our current social fabric. Yet dismanteling is sometimes what has to happen in order for the outmoded to transform into something greater.
Sam Keen wrote, “Sometimes what looks like a fight is only the fierceness of love.” What a difference of viewpoint. One can imagine how differently we might react depending on how we view confrontation. What else do we miss when we push the auto-pilot relationship button and only skim the surface?
In the workplace and at home, the three greatest saboteurs of strong, and healthy relationship dynamics are 1) the habit of blaming; 2) the habit of keeping secrets; and 3) lying.
Each of these tendencies keeps people separate from one another and never allows for a greater understanding to evolve between them. So much is lost when we over-protect ourselves and over-predict others.
When we eliminate the habits of blaming, withholding and lying from our interactions with others, we begin to become transparent with one another, and ultimately learn more about ourselves. Being vulnerable at this level is a life skill we need to re-learn.
Here is a wonderul book on developing our capacity for healthy relationships with ourselves and others:
Although the book title has the word marriage in it, the book’s premise is that all relationships are opportunities for a deeper and more aware connection between us.
Most of the concepts outlined in this book outdistance prevalent beliefs about what is true and what is possible in all of our relationships.
May your understanding of yourself continue to develop as the facets of your relationships with others are revealed.
Blessings ~
