Listen for the Ripples…~ Get in, Get wet!

With the proliferation of executive, spiritual, and life coaches and the coaching industry in general, I often wonder when it all started - the concept of coaching.

There sure are a lot of coaches out there to select from and once we’ve decided to embark on a coaching journey, it can be challenging to decide who we should choose to be our guide.

What criteria do we use when evaluating a coach’s ability to help nurture us through this rite of passage from a life of unconscious existence into a re-arranged and authentic life?

Should clients consider hiring coaches whose lives look perfect and constrained on the outside or is certification from an accredited school the criteria that really matters? 

Should potential clients select a coach due to a referral from a colleague or do they select someone who, like the proverbial phoenix, has been decimated from hard times yet rises up again? 

The lotus flower and the phoenix bird are powerful symbols of resurrection through hardships artfully developing resilience as they rise again – stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than before.  A coach’s hardships, lessons learned and resiliency are their greatest and most worthy credentials. 

Just as there are some doctors who are more skilled than others in spite of identical training, so it is with coaches. A skilled coach is like a tincture of gypsum that breaks up the old, stagnant, and toughened clay before planting delicate seeds and later serves as a mulch of new tools protecting and nurturing their client’s tender shoots of strength, authenticity and perspective.

When evaluating a life coach, consider which one might ask us tough questions in the context of getting past our blind spots. In the spectrum of coaching choices, which coach is more likely to have a profound impact on our life?

Which coach may be afraid of offending us and therefore may let us slip by because they are invested in us liking them. And which coach has mastered the finer qualities of intuition, strength, and active listening? 

Which coach skillfully weaves a tapestry of safety so we can be the most transparent – allowing our true self to emerge fully rooted and which coach would we be trying to impress as we hide our deepest fears, dreams, and weaknesses from them – entrenched in our makeshift image?

Coaches don’t have to lead perfect lives to be highly skilled in this craft, just as some good doctors don’t have the healthiest of lifestyles or habits yet they exercise the best of care for their patients. Similarly, therapists don’t counsel themselves and often have their own therapist, doctors don’t operate on family members and lawyers rarely represent themselves. 

Great coaches though, do need to be professionals who are comfortable living within ambiguous contexts instead of pigeon holing their clients or trying to “fix them” and they must have the ability to listen exceptionally well and hear what is not being said – those deafened or noisy, tense areas that keep us looping in unconscious behavior. 

Qualified coaches are comfortable in their own skin complete with its imperfections and idiosyncrasies. Their acceptance of themselves is the soil with which clients learn awareness of their own Self. The one begets the other.

Which coach will cultivate our feelings of strength allowing us to access new skills during those times in our lives that evoke our strongest fears and trigger over-used, outdated and destructive habits?

The best coaches are compassionate yet fierce, adept at seeing larger or different perspectives, insightful and forthright and have a great deal of intuition and compassion. These skills can’t be taught in school but they can be honed and developed through awareness.

Great coaches believe their clients are “naturally creative resourceful and whole” even in the midst of struggle, grief, hardship, disappointment, loss, and the tumult of change.   They learn to encourage the process allowing it to develop on its own time instead of forcing a premature solution.

Which coach will help you let go of your dependence on what is familiar and move past your resistance into a new direction? Which coach will be side by side with you as you shed light on the areas in your life you haven’t been able to face before?

I wonder, which airline first announced that in the case of a loss of cabin air pressure passengers should first put on their own oxygen mask before attempting to help their children or other travelers. Was the airlines policy of “putting on your own oxygen mask first” a twinkle in the coaching profession’s eye or was it some other seemingly innocuous event that triggered this line of work?

“Putting on your own oxygen mask first” has profound implications for us all. I don’t know which airline first taught this valuable life skill, but I wonder if they realized how profound this instruction is to the quality of our lives and safety on the ground as well as in the air.

“Putting on our own oxygen mask first” is a learned skill that is developed during the coaching dynamic. We take care of ourselves first by becoming a clear channel before we are capable of truly caring for, loving, and working well with and serving others.

Clean clear oxygen is intoxicating.  So is the coaching dynamic and living an inspired life free from habitual patterns.

May your life be invigorating and may you become clear enough to see all the serendipitous occurrences happening all around you ~ most, if not all of the time.

The Gift of Change by Marianne Williamson

http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Change-Spiritual-Guidance-Living/dp/B0017OFWAQ/
ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1211857675&sr=8-1

I wrote this post in August 2006 and thought it was time to resurect it.

Relationships are found in every area of our lives. Even when we don’t realize we’re having a relationship, one is being experienced.

We have relationships with our boss, co-workers, significant other, siblings, parents, committee members, neighbors, and more. We also have relationships with money, health and food.

Managing relationships well can be the difference between a company’s making a profit or posting a loss and a person’s ability to weather personal storm’s at home. It can also be the difference between having a healthy respect for money and food and having an unhealthy obsession with both.

I returned from a coaching workshop in Rhode Island a few months ago on the power of relationships. It was titled, “Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching”. In this class we developed our skills for successfully looking at our own relationships and we then learned techniques for helping others develop their own relationship capacities.

One of the most interesting concepts I heard this week was, “In order to get to a healthier and more productive place, we need to give up our fear of conflict, turmoil and resistance.” ~ John M. Gottman

Even as I write that, my hand wavers a little. The idea behind this audacious statement is that where there is conflict there is a desire and opportunity to reach a greater understanding between people in business and at home. That’s not how we usually view interactions that tear at our current social fabric.  Yet dismanteling is sometimes what has to happen in order for the outmoded to transform into something greater.

Sam Keen wrote, “Sometimes what looks like a fight is only the fierceness of love.” What a difference of viewpoint. One can imagine how differently we might react depending on how we view confrontation. What else do we miss when we push the auto-pilot relationship button and only skim the surface?

In the workplace and at home, the three greatest saboteurs of strong, and healthy relationship dynamics are 1) the habit of blaming; 2) the habit of keeping secrets; and 3) lying.

Each of these tendencies keeps people separate from one another and never allows for a greater understanding to evolve between them. So much is lost when we over-protect ourselves and over-predict others.

When we eliminate the habits of blaming, withholding and lying from our interactions with others, we begin to become transparent with one another, and ultimately learn more about ourselves. Being vulnerable at this level is a life skill we need to re-learn.

Here is a wonderul book on developing our capacity for healthy relationships with ourselves and others:

Although the book title has the word marriage in it, the book’s premise is that all relationships are opportunities for a deeper and more aware connection between us.

Most of the concepts outlined in this book outdistance prevalent beliefs about what is true and what is possible in all of our relationships.

May your understanding of yourself continue to develop as the facets of your relationships with others are revealed.

Blessings ~

The Dalai Lama is coming to Seattle!  http://www.seedsofcompassion.org/why/

 
By Stacy Kamala Waltman

I would love to have your opinions, ideas and stories (books, people you know, reference materials, etc.) on actual examples of how to develop a successful business and infuse it with spiritual principles.

• What are spiritual principles when it comes to running an effective business in this day and age?
  
• How do we authentically survive as a sole proprietor or limited partnership of a spiritual business model that isn’t based upon greed and/or fear and competition in the business world?

There seems to be a lot of examples in both camps but very few integrated examples representing both sides.

Some of the questions I am pondering include:

1. How do we compensate (or not) for referrals?
2. How do we discount to those who appear to be in need and yet be fair to all?
3. Are trade dollars the exact same equivalent of hard money or is there more leeway with trade dollars?
4. When is it appropriate to give our services freely and when are we not being good business people to go down this road?
5. How do we demonstrate charity instead of welfare?

I always liked to look at the interconnected angles to these questions and in this case, I love the wonderful analogy of the tree. 

As long as the tree is taken care of; it is watered, has sun, the bees are pollinating, the worms are irrigating, and everything is contributing to the well being of the tree: the tree will provide abundant fruit. 

As a result of being taken care of by an invisible web of support, the fruit is there for all to enjoy and be nourished by.  The tree does not give its fruit to those who are worthy ~ it gives to all ~ beggar, thief, holy person, and all sentient beings.

Because it is nourished by an interconnected system of caretakers, the tree will produce an abundance of fruit and if there aren’t enough beings to take the produce, the excess crop falls off the branches and onto the ground.

As long as there are enough creatures to take the grounded morsels and there isn’t too much excess that lies rotting on the ground, the decomposing fruit eventually re-circulates back to the tree as nourishment. 

However, if the tree were to hoard its fruit – waiting for only the worthy to taste it or holding back for those who could pay for it – the overabundance of fruit - its gifts – would rot and the tree would eventually suffocate- it would die from its excess.

In my business, I have looked at referrals and their contribution to my success and exposure as an opportunity to show gratitude for people who are taking the time to remember me and pass my spiritual business information along.

If someone refers a potential client to me and that referred individual actually signs up for one of my programs, I send the referrer a gift as a show of my appreciation and gratitude. 

I also have the following mechanism in place:  when I have six full paying clients, I offer two half price scholarships as well as one full scholarship.

In service to the community, I also write this BLOG.  The aim of this venue is that its contents may nourish some people in the world.  There is a cost to me in the aspect of my time and a small charge by WordPress.  

I also give free monthly talks.  Do I give too much?  I don’t know.  I seek a balance of serving all of the people who need my services regardless of their place in the economic pyramid and having the financial ability to participate in a simple yet abundant life.

Sometimes I have created a waiting list for those who couldn’t pay and when one scholarship program ended, it became time for another to fill the spot.

At this stage in my life, I am always looking for opportunities to give what I have in excess.  When I was 18 or 19 years old, Swami Satchidananda told me, “Kamala, don’t hoard the pens.”  At the time I was hand-drawing mandalas and coloring them in beautiful colors.  

Back then, (just a couple of years ago), I had very little in terms of excess and thought, “What in the world is he talking about?  He must think I’m someone else because I don’t have anything!”  I am still contemplating this teaching from this enlightened master.

Today, I feel my energy circulating by making a living and still having compassion for others by offering my programs to them at a level they can afford.

One of my favorite children’s books found offered on my website under Resources and then Children’s Books :  http://www.integrationcoaching.com/resources.htm is:  The Quiltmaker’s Gift (Hardcover) by Jeff Brumbeau (Author), Gail De Marcken (Illustrator). 

You can also find it here:  http://www.amazon.com/dp/0439309107?tag=wwwintegratio-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=0439309107&adid=0QMAD3Y6Q3KBRAWA5J6E&

I love its story about the freedom of giving and the detriments of hoarding.

However, I’ve had some spiritual colleagues who have a different point of view from mine which are posted here (I don’t know how accurate any of their comments are):  

“When  I look at how some of the gurus like Gurumayi, Ama, Shree Ma, Gangaji, Maharishi, Swamini Mayatitananda and Sai Ma handle referrals to their businesses it was pretty much the same answer. They really heavily on word of mouth but they never compensate in any way for referrals.”

And this from another individual. 

“I think the issue of referrals is interesting. It never occurred to me to be compensated for referring business to a certain place. I have sent plenty of people to this business, but I do it because I want the business to thrive and the community to grow and the people to get benefit. And selfishly, if this business thrives, then I can continue to get benefit too. Building community is based on referral - I have referred my doctor, my dentist, my attorney, my accountant, etc, etc. I have never been compensated financially, but I have been compensated by the sense that the community is stronger as a result.”

What are your thoughts on these subjects?

1.  How do we authentically survive as a sole proprietor or limited partnership of a spiritual business model that isn’t based upon greed and/or fear and competition in the business world?
2. How do we compensate (or not) for referrals?
3. How do we discount to those who appear to be in need and yet be fair to all?
4. Are trade dollars the exact same equivalent of hard money or is there more leeway with trade dollars?
5. When is it appropriate to give our services freely and when are we not being good business people to go down this road?
6. How do we demonstrate charity instead of welfare?
7. What are spiritual principles when it comes to running an effective business in this day and age?
   

By: Stacy Kamala Waltman

A reoccurring question this past month has been about the benefits of meditation. 

When we hear spiritual people referring to the “Monkey Mind” and attempting to control its turbulent thrashing, what do they mean?

Unlike other wild animals, monkeys are easily caught.

Captors place a bright shiny object like a rhinestone, penny or bead into a clear container with a small enough opening for a monkey’s hand to fit through and then the captor leaves – appearing to abandon the container with it’s artifact.

The monkey, attracted by the object, runs to the container, thrusts in his hand and with utter satisfaction, grabs the shiny object and attempts to run back and add it to his hoard.  

However, as he is clutching his treasure, his once small hand is now a large fist and the monkey cannot remove his fist from the opening - he is caught. 

All the monkey has to do to regain his freedom is let go of the object and his hand will once again slip easily out of the container’s opening, but the monkey’s nature does not allow him to let go.

According to Rev. W. Jones May 9, 1846 article on the Moral Character of the Monkey,

“They are saucy and insolent; always making an attempt to bully and terrify people, and biting those first who are most afraid of them.

Monkey’s never let things alone, but must know what is going forward. 

If a pot or a kettle is set on the fire, and the cook turns her back, the monkey whips off the cover to see what she has put into it; even though he cannot get at it without scalding his feet upon the hot bars of the grate.

No monkey has any sense of gratitude, but takes his victuals with a snatch, and then grins in the face of the person that gives it to him, lest he should take it away again; for he supposes that all men will snatch away what they can lay hold of, as all monkeys do.”

Through an invincible selfishness, no monkey considers any individual but himself.

If anything he takes hold of can be broken or spoiled, he is sure to find the way of doing it; and he chatters with pleasure when he hears the noise of a china vessel smashed to pieces upon the pavement.”

Monkey’s know-it-all and can not sit still.  Calmness and quietness are foreign to the monkey.  They thrive on frenetic activity.

Quieting the “monkey mind” through meditation is referring to developing the capacity to be calm AND alert. 

True freedom is obtained once the mind is free from addictive and unconscious thought patterns.  We become more aware of our tendencies, biases and stero-types.  The compulsion to judge ourselves and others diminishes as our intelligence expands through developing our meditation practice.

The quality of our life improves as we allow shallow and limited mind sets to expand into greater connection and understanding. 

Meditating allows us to have access to more information, knowledge, wisdom and understanding which lies beyond the intellect. 

We become fuller and freer as a result of expanding our capacity to live.  A wonderful resource is a book from Eckhart Tolle called, The Power of Now.

May you give yourself permission and allow yourself to expand ~

In my previous article titled, Living with a Narcissist, I wrote about my desire to provide people with solutions to pathological behavior like narcissism, sociopathic behavior and co-dependency issues.  In my research on this subject, I ran across this helpful article from Snow Lions Publications: 

Two Senses of Self

Psychologists talk about people who are co-dependent because they don’t have a sense of self. What psychologists mean when they say a person has no sense of self is very different from what the Buddha meant by no-self or selflessness. People with psychological problems actually have a very strong sense of self in the Buddhist sense, although they may not in the psychological sense of the word. Psychologically, they don’t see themselves as efficacious individuals in the world, but they still have a very strong sense of “I”: “I am worthless.” When somebody criticizes them, they don’t like it. They get into co-dependent relationships to protect or to please this “I.” When they fall into self-pity, their sense of an inherently existent “I” is very strong. Thus they still have self-grasping even though they lack a psychologically healthy sense of self.

Buddhism recognizes two kinds of sense of self. There’s one sense of self that is healthy and necessary to be efficacious on the path. The object of this sense of self is the conventionally existent “I.” The other sense of self grasps at an inherently existent self that never has and never will exist. Within Buddhism, when we talk about realizing emptiness, we’re negating the false self, this self that appears inherently existent to us.

–from Cultivating a Compassionate Heart: The Yoga Method of Chenrezig by Thubten Chodron, foreword by H.H. the Dalai Lama, published by Snow Lion Publications

 
Author:  Stacy Kamala Waltman

Depending upon one’s dexterity, there are many yoga postures which are considered to be beyond our current physical capacity like the sitting position of Full Lotus or the flexibility and strength required in the yogic posture of Pincha Mayurasana - Forearm Stand.

Aside from yoga, if I asked you where you experienced your current greatest life challenge you might respond, “Getting everything accomplished!”, “Finding time to relax” “Getting to sleep” “Handling all of my varied responsibilities” or “Letting Go”.

For those of us who aren’t suffering from insomnia, we may remember how to sleep but many have lost the art of how to truly rest.

For some, it takes great effort to resist turning on the television, and, once it’s spiraling on, can become even harder to turn off.  We are often mesmerized by its constant promises of entertainment as time drains away from other more nourishing pursuits.

In this day and age of over-exertion, over-extension, a coffee hut on every corner and media over-stimulation, relaxation has been pushed aside.  Replaced by activity and consumed by the effort, we think ourselves lazy if we aren’t busy.  Our authenticity often becomes lost in forward moving, frenetic activity just for movement’s sake.

We are a highly adaptive species: what was once “normal” in life morphs and evolves over time becoming our new standard and sometimes we can forget what life was like before our new habits took hold.  Wisdom too is lost if we don’t pause to notice our current state of being.

Shavasana, The Corpse Pose – a mental and physical equivalent to deep relaxation, is often the most difficult yoga position for newcomers.  It is the least physically challenging posture in the spectrum of yoga positions because we don’t have to do anything with our bodies other than sink deep into our being. 

In Shavasana the mind quiets down; the body leans into itself and the internal organs begin to unwind.  When comfortable in this pose, breathing slows and stress begins to evaporate.  The body’s natural healing powers rise as we surrender to a higher wisdom.

Students who practice Shavasana over time begin to relish the cumulative benefits of this restorative and rejuvenative posture.  As our mind becomes calmer, it is easier to meditate and we notice that fewer mistakes are being made throughout our work day.  We feel better.  Our sleep is richer.  The capacity for kindness expands.  It becomes easier to make decisions due to our mental clarity, and we feel more connected to God.

The Corpse Pose can be mentally challenging though – our mind can trick us into thinking we should be doing something because striving is what our psyche knows.

According to the Mayo Clinic, if we are experiencing a great deal of stress in our lives, it is imperative to find the time every day for relaxation and just a few minutes a day isn’t enough to provide the stress reducing benefits of deep relaxation. For a clearer, less stressed mind, fifteen minutes of deep relaxation a day is best – rest at the core level for our optimal health.

In a pinch, daydreaming can also be used as a relaxation technique; however, with daydreaming, our mind is still engaged, whereas in Shavasana, our mind is quiet.

As a precursor to meditation, deep relaxation also provides relief from headaches, reduced body pain, improved concentration, emotional stability, elimination of insomnia, lowering of blood pressure, reduced fatigue, improved bowl function, reconnection to our source and less depression and anxiety.  The quality of observing without judging is also developed in this pose.

How often do you daydream?  When do you truly and deeply relax?  The Mayo Clinic recommends a daily practice of deep relaxation.  Yogi’s do too.  If you add to your daily relaxation practice with a gradual and regular series of at first 30, then 60 and finally 90 minute Shavasana classes, you will enjoy the peace, clarity, strength and restfulness of this miraculous yoga posture. 

Turn down your mind and begin to turn up the quiet with Shavasana – The Corpse Pose.
 

Lotus Nectar

Author:  Stacy Kamala Waltman

My intention for the week was to feel replenished and to fill up my depleted reserves with the juice of the universe so that when I coached and as I lived, I would be of service rather than just going through motions, half asleep. 

Invitations to do other things tempted; a trip here, a party there but I was determined to re-claim my strength and fill up with nectar by hibernating like a winter bear.

When juicy – full of life - I am more courageous – more eccentric and self directed, lighthearted, authentic, clear headed, kind, inspiring and fun. 

Self management, quieting the mind with the ability to manage my biases and predispositions enabling me to really listen and capture nuances is easier when I’m “full of it”.  Authentic with nectar in a chalice overflowing, filled to the brim with juice. 

The much anticipated week would consist of fasting, walking, meditating, sleeping and reading.  How delicious it would be to sink into hushed time – turning down the mind and turning up the quiet.  It would be a treat to take a respite from activity.

We can spend whole days, weeks and even months not touching the actual earth.  In shoes and on concrete, in buildings and in cars, on asphalt and watching television, the connection of our bodies to the raw dirt and the hum of earth’s pulse remain shrouded.

The week began chilly and beginning my fast made me even colder.  Sleep was the best I could do - deep rich luxurious sleep and an occasional meditation or two.  The IPod vibrating a tamboura’s hum very softly in the background, day and night as it always does, reminding me of our primordial sound.

My energy slowly returned with the sun after a couple of days as a bear and I embarked on a most luscious trail, walking - barefoot (as any bear would) - the ground warm.  Sometimes velvety, sometimes sandy, here it is gravely, there it’s damp - the earth presented itself differently every few feet. 

Contributing to a mosaic of beauty that is whimsical, each traveler on this road has left their footprints and some have also left beautiful rock art creations.  Different shapes, styles, stones and textures add a gauzy breath of air to the sage infused smells all around. 

Some are perfectly smooth rock; some are covered with sparkles, multi colored stones with intricate patterns and some are wonderfully opaque.  Large, small, jagged and round they are all so varied it is hard to imagine that they all come from this one area.  Awful!  (Look up the meaning of this word)

Hummingbirds darting so tiny and magnificent with their winged hum providing a backdrop of bird song cadences.  So utterly beautiful and powerful in its sweetness and I gave thanks to God. 

Noticing that this walk was not a work out – it was more important than that, it was a walk of joy.

What do you give God in return for all of the goodness she gives?  God is and has everything.  What do you give this entity that has everything?

Ahhhhh….Huuuummmmmm…

I can give thanks and in the full feeling of thankfulness and the complete allowing and receiving of this divine energy, I am honoring God. 

Giving thanks.  Thanks Giving.  That is what I can give.

As a young girl living in the Integral Yoga Ashram over twenty-nine years ago, meditating three times a day, eating vegetarian food and living among renunciates, Swami Satchidanada said to me, “Now you are under my wing.”  I am continually blessed with the memory of his teachings and the times when he spoke specifically to me.

Please enjoy this trailer and learn more about the man who was at the fore front of bringing Yoga into the western world.  http://www.livingyogamovie.org/trailer.html

The Optimist’s Creed: 

Promise Yourself…

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

To remind your friends they are worthwhile.

To look at the sunny side of everything.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.

To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

 
Author:  Stacy Kamala Waltman

There are portals (doorways) everywhere my dream showed me last night.

Each portal will take us into a different reality.  We simply have to want to go into another actuality and then, remove all of the things that attach us to our current existence.

I stood in front of the closed door that would take me where I wanted to go and before opening the portal took off every piece of attachment to my current state that I did not want as if it were clothing.   

Finding it fascinating that while some things were easy to let go of, other, more subtle components were difficult to remove - testing how true my thoughts were that I wanted to move on into a different experience.  Yearning to be in a different pattern yet wanting to do or say one more thing regarding this attached situation before I would be able to let it go.  How committed was I to letting go of this mental pattern?

Would it always be like this – wanting to do or say one more thing – in a never ending vortex – always standing in front of a closed door on the edge of where I wanted to go - never crossing the threshold?  How many other patterns are gripping me in this same way?  I am dreaming and hope to remember this awareness when I wake up in the morning.  This dream is a lucid one.  The pieces are connecting in a picture puzzle and not hopping around like so many other dreams.  I will remember this one.

My higher self said, “Just let it go.  These things that you want to do now don’t matter in your new place. You don’t have to do or say anything to make an old situation right.  Wanting to do one more thing will always keep you engaged.  Stop the tendency now.  Just take off the last remnants of this situation and walk through the door.  You will have everything you need on the other side.  It’s not your job to worry.  Trust.  It is that easy.”   

Oh…this is the understanding or experience of the teachings I thought I understood.  This is beyond the intellect; the pure essence of that experience. 

I had thought I understood this concept before this dream and now realize that I had previously only understood its façade. 

We simply need to walk through the portal naked and on the other side there will be clothes for us to put on.  It is that simple.  We will be provided with everything we need.

My dream said, when you awaken, remove all traces of those things which are not bringing you joy.  Remove all of their energy from your current existence. 

If the things you need to eliminate from your life have monetary value, understand that monetary value is someone else’s valuation.  It is not yours.  It is erroneous.

My dream encouraged me to put a high price on the things which bring peace and have good memories.  Its message also said not to let anyone else tell me what has value!  Be more inner directed my dream said.

I had thought I had understood these lessons too but now see subtle areas where I have allowed outside influences to determine the value of some events. These hidden areas were beyond my radar - before this dream shed its light.

What can we let go of today that will allow us to walk through the portal(s) into our more elevated experience?

Emotional Intelligence (EI), Narcissism and Private versus Secret
Author:  Stacy Kamala Waltman

As is often the case, what comes up for one of my clients tends to be a recurring theme for just about everyone I coach during certain periods of time and unfortunately, I lived with and was engaged to a narcissist. 

Right now, several clients are experiencing some confusion around privacy versus secrecy and truth versus honesty and they want greater clarity on these aspects of emotional intelligence.

Narcissism, the absence of real love of the self and the ensuing havoc it wrecks on people who are emotionally close to narcissists is also dominant right now in my life as well as several of my clients’ lives.

Privacy versus Secrecy

According to experts, private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep hidden from others.  These undisclosed parts of our self might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs.

Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer and there is relatively little drama surrounding these revelations.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has a potentially negative impact on someone else ~ emotionally, physically, or financially because they are based on lies and deception.

Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or perceived harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.  Secret keepers or truth benders often use drama, grandiose threats of retaliation and the deflection tactics of blaming others for their deceptions as well as creating confusion with stories that just don’t make sense.  Their schemes are similar to a magician’s use of frenetic activity in one area or a pretty woman strategically positioned off to one side which distracts your attention away from the magician’s actions~ you are tricked because you never saw their actual maneuvers.

Chronic secret keepers are adept at minimizing their culpability and are skilled at transferring blame to anyone close by.  Appearing to apologize if caught, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear – and lead you to believe the secret you discovered was an isolated occurrence.

There is usually a lot of shame driving a person’s need to keep secrets as well as an inability to live a life outside a mind filled with fantasy.  This capacity to live in a false world of smoke and mirrors is often linked to unhealthy narcissism.

Narcissists have a tendency to keep a lot of secrets from everyone close to them.  They spin intricate webs of lies tailor made for each person in their life often playing one side against the other and reveling in the chaos they’ve created between people. 

If everyone they knew got into the same room together and talked - the narcissist would be exposed so the master manipulator keeps people at odds with each other. 

Narcissists can have separate email addresses for different people, elaborate stories of being victimized, conflicting lies and inexhaustible excuses.  No relationship is safe from their deception.  X-wives are pitted against a current fiance.  X-fiance’s are used as decoys for current girlfriends and, when needed, a narcissist will use their children, siblings and/or aging parents as bait in their manipulative weavings.  

To the narcissist, people are commodities.  The value and usefulness of others rises and falls based upon the workings of the narcissist’s mercurial mind.  Work associates, assistants and friends are criticized, blamed and degraded behind their backs to whoever will listen.  When the narcissist isn’t “on” or feeling at the top of his game, all people and situations are blended in a toxic cocktail of negativity and deceit. 

Narcissists love to play victim and receive a psychic payoff when they spin intricate lies around a little bit of truth.  This is why many narcissists have compartmentalized relationships with a lot of superficiality, deception and little or no real intimacy.  Most narcissists confuse sex with intimacy, romance for relationship and infatuation with love.  They fall in and out of “love” easily and do not really care about who they hurt in their turbulent whirlwind.  It is all about them.

Similar to the Wizard of Oz who is exposed for being an impostor, the narcissist is deeply invested in his or her charismatic image and will do whatever it takes ~ even extreme measures ~ to maintain the illusions they have created.  In a confused panic of image preservation, narcissists will think nothing of destroying their partners self esteem, reputation, foundation or well being.  They are very calculating, duplicitous and exacting.

The narcissist’s secrets and the lies and deceptions that support them make it very hard for a person to make and sustain a true emotional bond with them and it is crazy making to even try.  At a minimum, secrets take on a life of their own by creating a wall or barrier between real connections with another.

Narcissists do not have the capacity to live within healthy interactions.  They simply do not have that skill.  They will read books and instruction manuals though on how to play the part of a united partner anxious that some day the curtain will be removed - their charade will be exposed.  You will want to be in a safe place - far away from the narcissist when that day arrives.  The anger and rage that ensues from a narcissist who has been unmasked can be a horrific experience.

Secrets take a lot of energy to maintain and that energy is stolen from having a relationship with a real person outside of a fantasy world.  Watch for people who confuse boundaries with secrets or boundaries with privacy.  These are very different states of mind, feelings and behavioral patterns.  Many narcissists misuse the word and concept of “boundaries” as a way to rationalize their deceptions. 

Most narcissists are also alcoholics and come from alcoholic families.  Telling the truth in these liquored family dynamics is frowned upon so deception is learned and encouraged at an early age and most everyone in the family complies.  The entire group/family consciousness marinates in fabrication.  The long term effects of living in this way cause a dulling and numbing of the senses.  When you are surrounded by this type of energy, it is a normal way of life.

Truth versus Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact.  Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.  Honesty is about feelings. 

If you’re honest, you are open, clear, and consistent about how you feel.  You can be truthful without being honest, and you can be honest without being truthful.  The best and most fulfilling relationships are both truthful and honest.

Trust, the staple of a solid relationship is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability.  Consistency, dependability, reliability and honor are traits that the narcissist can occasionally demonstrate while they are puffing up their image but it is not a part of their true character.

Shoring up on your emotional intelligence skills will bring you enormous success in all aspects of your life and keep you away from the destructive effects of Narcissists.   (Thankfully I never married the narcissist I was engaged to and am fortunate to have escaped his abuse.  May you be so blessed!)

 Here is an excerpt from the book, The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist: 

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Buddha told his followers that whatever they chose to give their attention, their love, their appreciation, their listening, and their affirmation to would grow in their life and in their world.